Middle class Armageddon tips Part one:

When is it polite to start looting?

Is it a bird, no it’s a plane… Photo by Andy Hamilton

There is always a bit of a lag phase between the fall of civilization and the start of a new one. Just as ancient Britons would have feasted on the leftovers of the Romans so too, we will feast on the food inside our local Amazon or Walmart distribution centres. Yet, these are finite resources and so you'll need to learn how best to make the most of this tiny window of opportunity. Just like the oligarchs who prospered at the fall of the USSR, if you play this stage right your opportunity to become top dog in the new world order will be greatly enhanced.    

Civilized looting (for food)

It will depend on the type of apocalypse that hits as to whether or not looting will become acceptable behaviour in polite company.  You may need to don your Armani nuclear, chemical & biological suit and head off downtown to the main street with your favourite rifle/shotgun/pitchfork/plank of wood with a nail in it to find out.

There are three levels to be aware of, loot too early and you might end up spending the last days on earth behind bars. Too late and everything will be gone and you will have to bow before Mrs Harrison from number 42.

Study the below carefully and know it by heart.

Level one – slightly ruffled

The shelves of your local supermarket will be empty of milk and bread and people will be running around filling their trollies with crazed looks in their eyes. 

Looting is inadvisable in this situation as society is still functioning. Double check that it’s not Black Friday.

Level two – severely ruffled

You’ll notice a marked change in your fellow human beings. Shelves will be empty and pensioners will be fighting with young folk over tins of meat. Yet the staff will be still working in the stores and the windows will still be enact.

Looting will have started in some areas however, it won’t quite be the norm and if Mrs Harrison from number 42 sees you putting a brick into your hand/man bag and smacking seven bells of sh*t out of the local Walmart window that will be hard to come back from when you next meet at the country club.

Level three – clinging onto the broken vestiges of normality

Broken glass will crunch underfoot wherever you walk, fires will rage uncontrollably and you’ll be unlikely to hear a please or a thank you even in the most middle class of areas - Obviously, don’t confuse this with day to day life in New York, London or areas undergoing rapid gentrification.

You’ll also notice that no one is working in any of the stores and the sound of sirens will have abated as, the emergency services will have given up too. You may even see Mrs. Harrison from number 42 running down the road with a large TV under her arm whooping with the excitement of being able to drop any notion of politeness. 

Watch out for any army deployment in this situation as you could get shot should you start looting. There possibly isn’t much hope of life returning to normal so help yourself to whatever is left, there won’t be many more suppers or Sunday lunches to not get invited to.

Level four – The start of a new world

This level is rather like a new Ikea store opening and should be avoided at all costs. All of the good stuff will have gone and Mrs Harrison from 42 will have created a Lord of the Flies-esque world with all of the other women of a certain age holding guard. Avoid all retail areas as your chance of looting has passed.

It’s time to start foraging, hunting, and banding together with whomever you can. Except for those people, you are sure muted you in their WhatsApp groups. Avoid them, they will be the first to turn on you – Mrs Harrison will have no doubt finished them off anyway. Life could be good without all that stuff, build the world you want to live in.